What would you do? Would you cancel ds' bday party?... (more)
Ds is turning 10yo and his bday party is this weekend? He is diagnosed with ADHD and is on medication, but he is still impulsive and the doctor said next visit we can discuss changing the medication. Yesterday at school he did something very inappropriate. I would rather not say what it was, but suffice it to say, the principal called me about it, ds is losing recess the rest of the week and if he does it again, he will be suspended. When ds came home he lied about exactly what happened until I confirmed what the principal said. I took away ds' Hanukah presents and told him we will not go out to dinner for his bday. Would you cancel his party too? I probably shouldn't be on the fence about this, but he is turning 10 and I worry that he will always be upset about this. Also, I don't think this will make him change his behavior in the future bc he is so impulsive and punishments have rarely worked in the past.
posted December 13th, 2012 at 9:24am in Special Needs
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- No 12-13-2012 9:25am
- OP: what would you do as a punishment? 12-13-2012 9:27am
- np sounds like you did one already 12-13-2012 9:27am +3 likes
- OP dh doesn't think it's enough bc just two days later he will have a party with presents. I don't know if I disagree. 12-13-2012 9:28am
- np sounds like you did one already 12-13-2012 9:27am +3 likes
- OP: what would you do as a punishment? 12-13-2012 9:27am
- no 12-13-2012 9:26am
- OP more inside...(more) 12-13-2012 9:26am also, another boy was the subject of what ds did and will be at the party (unless his mom cancels). How do I deal with the mom?
- apologize to the mom, that's all. they are kids they will get over it 12-13-2012 9:27am +2 likes
- call an apologize. but hard to say without knowing what happened 12-13-2012 9:27am
- np Without knowing what it is, I would want to have your ds apologize to that dc in the presence of both of you. 12-13-2012 9:28am +1 like
- absolutely 12-13-2012 9:29am
- np Without knowing what it is, I would want to have your ds apologize to that dc in the presence of both of you. 12-13-2012 9:28am +1 like
- taking away the hanukah presents and cancelling dinner out on his birthday sounds like enough punishment, keep the party 12-13-2012 9:26am +4 likes
- OP we are also going to celebrate Hanukah with our relatives this weekend and I don't feel right about him getting presents. 12-13-2012 9:27am +1 like
- np That's pretty harsh. 12-13-2012 9:29am
- seriously unless he murdered someone I don't get canceling birthdays or holidays. i don't know your ds or how he responds to punishments but seems like a natural consequences...(more) 12-13-2012 9:29am +2 likes
- ITA 12-13-2012 9:29am
- OP: I agree, but what is the natural consequence of doing something in appropriate to another child other than apologizing? 12-13-2012 9:31am
- Is DS in mainstream or SN school? I ask because if SN school, the other parent may be more understanding 12-13-2012 9:32am
- OP: mainstream, but coincidentally the mom of the other ds has 2 SN dcs 12-13-2012 9:39am
- Is DS in mainstream or SN school? I ask because if SN school, the other parent may be more understanding 12-13-2012 9:32am
- My preference is to remove priveleges like video games or TV for a week or two. Perhaps also if he patently did soemthing wrong to another kid, you can have him write an apology...(more) 12-13-2012 9:31am +3 likes
- OP we are also going to celebrate Hanukah with our relatives this weekend and I don't feel right about him getting presents. 12-13-2012 9:27am +1 like
- I would not cancel 12-13-2012 9:27am
- Don't cancel. It would be a bummer for the other kids and their families too that have already scheduled this in. Tough to know how to appropriately address these things with...(more) 12-13-2012 9:30am
- I would not punish beyond the day of the misbehavior.. It happened at school and he is being punished there ... I wouldn't give presents that same day but behind that won't do...(more) 12-13-2012 9:35am Anything ... You already said punishment to have rarely worked in the past.
- ITA. Consequences for the action need to happen as close to the incident as possible. Removal of privileges for that day. Writing letter...(more) 12-13-2012 9:53am
- Ds' former psychiatrist, who is respected on this board, would say that you have already over punished. Don't takeaway party. 12-13-2012 9:48am +1 like
- I agree .. Over punished 12-13-2012 10:03am
- i practice very strict discipline by american standards and i completely understand where you're coming from. you're deeply frustrated and you want to help dc make better choices...(more) 12-13-2012 9:59am so that his adult life isn't messed up. however, i can tell you in no uncertain terms: DO NOT CANCEL THE PARTY. there are certain things that need to be kept separate from discipline (e.g., food) and this is one of them. you will not help dc by canceling the party - in fact, you could do the opposite. i think you did the right thing with the hanukkah presents, and don't forget that the school is taking measures, too
- If he's ADHD and on meds (that might not be the right dosage), he's not 100% in control of himself....(more) 12-13-2012 10:46am +1 likeI'm assuming he's writing an apology note, you've already made it clear to him his actions are not acceptable. Time to move on. Don't cancel the bday party.
- I agree, keep party, but perhaps he gets to open one toy from party, then each day he does NOT do that inappropriate action, he gets to open another birthday present? (pos...(more) 12-13-2012 11:14am
- also, losing recess for a week for an ADHD kid is counter productive. 12-13-2012 11:15am
- agree. 12-13-2012 11:49am
- np: I feel similarly, but in MS school, it is often the first thing teachers think of. As an alternative, my DC used to have to eat lunch in a teacher's room instead of with the...(more) 12-13-2012 11:58am class. Missing lunch with friends was impactful. He also had to do "morning service" which was being at school 1/2 hour early to help in the office.
- np: in our SN school they take it away too - it's always used as a consequence 12-13-2012 1:24pm
- also, losing recess for a week for an ADHD kid is counter productive. 12-13-2012 11:15am
- I agree, keep party, but perhaps he gets to open one toy from party, then each day he does NOT do that inappropriate action, he gets to open another birthday present? (pos...(more) 12-13-2012 11:14am
- Don't cancel the party. And change the tide - start having him be successful and celebrate making the right choice however small. 12-13-2012 11:50am
- I would not take away the party. IMO, and it may be unpopular, but if the punishments do not phase DS, then you are punishing him to make yourself feel better and proactive, but...(more) 12-13-2012 11:55am he is getting no real benefit. I am not saying there should not be consequences at all, but piling them on is not more effective than finding one thing that works.
- np, I love you....I wonder if you are the same poster who used to counsel me this same advice when my ds (now 10, then 8) was getting in trouble all the time. i wanted to not...(more) 12-13-2012 12:02pm
- If it happened at school no matter how bad it is it should be dealt with at school. 12-13-2012 12:33pm
- Is he showing remorse? what was his reaction at the existing punishments? i think those r important factors...(im assuming you know your child and will know if there is actual...(more) 12-13-2012 12:33pm