My 10 y.o. can not handle doing chores. She hates cleaning of any kind so much that she has a total melt down - I'm talking yelling, throwing shoes, knocking stuff over. She always has... (more)
another excuse for the behavior but I've been tracking these melt downs and they only come after she's been assigned some sort of house work. Today it was simply cleaning up after painting. Nothing else causes these outbursts. Obviously, I can't stop asking her to clean up her stuff. Any thoughts?
posted February 19th, 2011 at 7:32pm in Toddler
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- if it doesn't get cleaned up it goes out/put away for a time/charity 2-19-2011 7:33pm
- you're being played 2-19-2011 7:33pm
- op: in what way? she had consequences. first she lost the chance to go out to dinner - dh took the other kids w/out dd. then when she flipped out she got grounded for a week. now, she...(more) 2-19-2011 7:34pm lost the opportunity to spend the night with a friend friday night. all over some freaking paint.
- np: your consequences seem kind of lame. did she then have to clean it up anyway? 2-19-2011 7:38pm
- op: abosolutely she cleaned it up. but do you really think missing out on going out to eat plus being grounded for a whole week is a lame consequence? what would you do? 2-19-2011 7:39pm
- lame consequences for throwing stuff? being destructive? absolutely. does she get an allowance? she should have to pay for anything she knocks over and breaks. you need to teach...(more) 2-19-2011 7:41pm
- op: well, she didn't break anything. and no - she doesn't get an allowance b/c it doesn't work for her. she's not money motivated at all. really - she's devastated about losin...(more) 2-19-2011 7:43pm the sleepover. that's the biggest consequence i could give this child.
- do you think she's trying to control herself and can't? 2-19-2011 7:44pm
- sometimes, yes. but b/c she has been having a hard time controlling her temper, for a while we were telling her to "walk away" before she lashed out and got herself in trouble. ...(more) 2-19-2011 7:46pm now, she says she's going to lose her temper and needs to walk away every time she's given a chore. today i said "fine - i'll walk away from you but you're not going to your room until the table is clean." it's become her go to thing to walk away and leave a chore undone.
- are you in a big battle of wills? Is she able to complete the task after she has a meltdown? In any case I woud be concerned. 2-19-2011 7:47pm
- op: definitely a battle of wills, no question. just not sure why. it's not asking much for a 10 y.o. to clean up paint before leaving for a restaurant. 2-19-2011 7:50pm
- is this new? related to hormones? 2-19-2011 7:50pm
- not that new but yes - i'm sure hormones are playing into these escalations 2-19-2011 7:51pm
- have you asked her what would help her do her chores whne you aren't fighting? 2-19-2011 7:52pm
- ^ I'm the op below and a lot of mental health stuff that could be causing this (anxiety, ocd, something else) can start at puberty, or later. But I also have friends who had ocd...(more) 2-19-2011 7:52pm
- not that new but yes - i'm sure hormones are playing into these escalations 2-19-2011 7:51pm
- is this new? related to hormones? 2-19-2011 7:50pm
- op: definitely a battle of wills, no question. just not sure why. it's not asking much for a 10 y.o. to clean up paint before leaving for a restaurant. 2-19-2011 7:50pm
- are you in a big battle of wills? Is she able to complete the task after she has a meltdown? In any case I woud be concerned. 2-19-2011 7:47pm
- sometimes, yes. but b/c she has been having a hard time controlling her temper, for a while we were telling her to "walk away" before she lashed out and got herself in trouble. ...(more) 2-19-2011 7:46pm
- do you think she's trying to control herself and can't? 2-19-2011 7:44pm
- op: well, she didn't break anything. and no - she doesn't get an allowance b/c it doesn't work for her. she's not money motivated at all. really - she's devastated about losin...(more) 2-19-2011 7:43pm
- lame consequences for throwing stuff? being destructive? absolutely. does she get an allowance? she should have to pay for anything she knocks over and breaks. you need to teach...(more) 2-19-2011 7:41pm
- op: abosolutely she cleaned it up. but do you really think missing out on going out to eat plus being grounded for a whole week is a lame consequence? what would you do? 2-19-2011 7:39pm
- np: your consequences seem kind of lame. did she then have to clean it up anyway? 2-19-2011 7:38pm
- op: in what way? she had consequences. first she lost the chance to go out to dinner - dh took the other kids w/out dd. then when she flipped out she got grounded for a week. now, she...(more) 2-19-2011 7:34pm
- knock upside the head 2-19-2011 7:34pm
- really? at 10? and what do you do? 2-19-2011 7:35pm
- see above about tonight. i was using this plan where the child either has all privileges or none. once they lose their priv. then they have to write an apology and do some task of...(more) 2-19-2011 7:38pm a parent's choosing before she could earn them back. but, i felt like that wasn't working. she'd have a colossal meltdown, write a nice apology and perform the chore all in the course of two hours. it wasn't reducing the meltdowns so clearly not effective. now that i've realized that the only thing that gets her to this point is not just housework but anythign that is not routine, i'm trying to figure out what i can change. like, maybe she needs her day to be so routine that i build 30 min of chores into every single day. i don't know.
- hmm, this is interesting. I am the poster below. I have severe anxiety when I clean. I don't know why but I do wish my parents had made it so routine I didn't have to think about...(more) 2-19-2011 7:42pm
- OR: i really think there is something else going on with her if she gets so upset over a small change in routine. 2-19-2011 7:42pm
- I am the poster below. I would make it a scheduled thing and also look into some sort of cognitive behavioral therapy or whatever is appropriate for kids. It seems like a big...(more) 2-19-2011 7:44pm
- see above about tonight. i was using this plan where the child either has all privileges or none. once they lose their priv. then they have to write an apology and do some task of...(more) 2-19-2011 7:38pm
- I don't know about you being played. I actually get extremely anxious when I clean and kind of have my own meltdown about it. I have ocd / hoarding tendencies. Does she melt down...(more) 2-19-2011 7:41pm
- yes - and i could see the hoarding thing in her. she truly keeps trash that she sees as treasure. i do not see any ocd tendencies. 2-19-2011 7:41pm
- or - hoarding is a form of ocd. 2-19-2011 7:42pm
- but wouldn't there be more than just hoarding? 2-19-2011 7:44pm
- there are things like ruminating thoughts perhaps, but no, it can just be hoarding. Hoarding is classic ocd. There are people who ahve to, for example, touch everything before...(more) 2-19-2011 7:45pm
- ^and ocd can manifest as thoughts, not behaviors too. Anxiety and ocd have crossovers a lot of the time. I am anxious and my anxiety is at peak when I have to clean, and I find...(more) 2-19-2011 7:46pm the process excruciating, even though there is no real reason to feel this way.
- op: thank you so much for your insight into this. i'm truly at a loss here. 2-19-2011 7:48pm
- I really would see a therapist. There are a lot of things that this could be, I'm just guessing. But I can relate to it. It's good you're trying, you don't want an adult who has...(more) 2-19-2011 7:50pm
- and feel free to ask any questions. 2-19-2011 7:50pm
- op: oh my god - she hates to brush her teeth! that's a major struggle. what is that about? my other kids just brush adn get it over with 2-19-2011 7:51pm
- all I can tell you is I have a lot of trouble with any routine. Nothing is automatic, I have to cosciously decide to do everythign. So I have tos ay like a parent to myself, you...(more) 2-19-2011 7:54pm have to brush your teeth before bed. I always thought I didn't have enough discipline as a child but was recently diagnosed as having a mental health condition (but I don't want to scare you) and some of these things have become easier. Depression obviously played a role but a lot of mental health stuff (even ADD) can result in poor executive function.
- all I can tell you is I have a lot of trouble with any routine. Nothing is automatic, I have to cosciously decide to do everythign. So I have tos ay like a parent to myself, you...(more) 2-19-2011 7:54pm
- I really would see a therapist. There are a lot of things that this could be, I'm just guessing. But I can relate to it. It's good you're trying, you don't want an adult who has...(more) 2-19-2011 7:50pm
- op: thank you so much for your insight into this. i'm truly at a loss here. 2-19-2011 7:48pm
- ^and ocd can manifest as thoughts, not behaviors too. Anxiety and ocd have crossovers a lot of the time. I am anxious and my anxiety is at peak when I have to clean, and I find...(more) 2-19-2011 7:46pm
- there are things like ruminating thoughts perhaps, but no, it can just be hoarding. Hoarding is classic ocd. There are people who ahve to, for example, touch everything before...(more) 2-19-2011 7:45pm
- but wouldn't there be more than just hoarding? 2-19-2011 7:44pm
- or - hoarding is a form of ocd. 2-19-2011 7:42pm
- yes - and i could see the hoarding thing in her. she truly keeps trash that she sees as treasure. i do not see any ocd tendencies. 2-19-2011 7:41pm
- Sticky this... On phone but have this age 2-19-2011 7:50pm
- you've got bigger problems than you can imagine. You have a total nightmare of a child, but I suspect you have aided these actions. 2-19-2011 7:56pm
- np: you are one nasty bitch - karma babe 2-19-2011 8:01pm
- Shut up! 2-19-2011 8:15pm
- Assign her age appropriate chores and let her know that NOTHING happens until they are done. Post them on the wall and walk away. When the tantrum occurs leave the room or go...(more) 2-19-2011 8:03pm outside if you have to - lock yourself in your room if you have to. Don't give in. Also, I had to put a $ amount to each chore in order to get them done - 25 cents per chore adds up to $5 per week if he gets them all done. Don't let her have an audience. Homework and chores get done before playing, TV, phone calls, iTouch, DSI - anything. If she has no audience the tantrums will cease.
- if it's just a power struggle this would work. But if it's not, if there is underlying anxiety or ocd, you will have someone who ends up like me. I have a huge tantrum in my own...(more) 2-19-2011 8:08pm head when I have to clean and nearly have a breakdown. I make myself do it but it's not fun. I don't know the answer, though.
- Me either and, fwiw, my son has ADD and has the OP's dd's tendencies when not medicated. 2-19-2011 8:09pm
- wait, are you ther or above with the nothing happens plan? 2-19-2011 8:10pm
- yes 2-19-2011 8:11pm
- my friend with ADD basically had this in high school. Her friends would have to help her clean her room if she ever wanted to leave the house. But if he has ADD is this...(more) 2-19-2011 8:14pm appropriate? If it's an ADD issue isn't it very hard from them? BTW I thought I had add but was diagnosed with something else.
- He is medicated and very capable. He may not be able to organize himself but I can help w/ that and he can complete any task that is normal for the age. 2-19-2011 8:47pm
- my friend with ADD basically had this in high school. Her friends would have to help her clean her room if she ever wanted to leave the house. But if he has ADD is this...(more) 2-19-2011 8:14pm
- yes 2-19-2011 8:11pm
- wait, are you ther or above with the nothing happens plan? 2-19-2011 8:10pm
- Me either and, fwiw, my son has ADD and has the OP's dd's tendencies when not medicated. 2-19-2011 8:09pm
- if it's just a power struggle this would work. But if it's not, if there is underlying anxiety or ocd, you will have someone who ends up like me. I have a huge tantrum in my own...(more) 2-19-2011 8:08pm
- Let the beatings commence! 2-19-2011 8:12pm
- her dd has real problems - read the thread 2-19-2011 8:13pm