I am really scared of dying but I really think that my living with incurable depression is harmful for those arond me. I have been in therapy since I was 16 and have tried a wide range ... (more)
of drugs. I just get worse, year to year. Why should I keep trying when I'm obviously terminal? I tried having a normal conversation with my mother yesterday and I broke into sobs. I cry all the time. Nothing has helped. Why is it better to stay alive like this? It's so hard for everyone else and probably bad for my dc.
posted March 10th, 2010 at 3:37pm in Toddler
share
twitter
email
print71 Replies (log in or sign up to post a comment)
- Oh my lord. Please check yourself in somewhere. You have no business having a dc around you 3-10-2010 3:37pm
- You are a very sad person. 3-10-2010 3:38pm
- really, so they way she is living is just great? Really, she said so herself she is terminal and sobs just talkign to her mom and therapy is not working. She needs more serious help not...(more) 3-10-2010 3:39pm platitudes about how everything will be ok. She has dc that notice this and will be affected by her behavior
- she's cognizant of this-part of the reason she's suicidal 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- then she needs to GO GET HELP> Therapy is not working, so clearly she needs more complete help 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- she's cognizant of this-part of the reason she's suicidal 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- really, so they way she is living is just great? Really, she said so herself she is terminal and sobs just talkign to her mom and therapy is not working. She needs more serious help not...(more) 3-10-2010 3:39pm
- Thanks but no. A mental institution is a fate worse than death as far as I'm concerned. 3-10-2010 3:38pm
- then you need to do some research and realize there are places to go that will help you 3-10-2010 3:40pm
- well said 3-10-2010 3:39pm
- not at all well said. for fuck's sake....is this how you'd talk to someone with cancer? 3-10-2010 3:40pm
- Thank you. 3-10-2010 3:40pm
- YES! I would say get fucking help! Get serious fucking help! You have dc and you need to consider their needs, so GET SOME FUCKING HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- you'd say "your poor children?" 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- SHE IS GETTING HELP. It's not working. She's saying she's exhausted. She's depressed...her depression is talking. Geez. 3-10-2010 3:42pm
- THen SHE NEEDS HELP, you idiot 3-10-2010 3:43pm
- What do you not understand about how mental instiutions often do more damage than good? they're more about keeping crazies away from society than helong people often. I woudl rather be...(more) 3-10-2010 3:44pm
- No one gets locked in "mental institutions" forever. It doesn't exist anymore. There is psychiatric acute care in regular medical hospitals and various out-patient type settings, but...(more) 3-10-2010 4:02pm
- I KNOW THIS AND SHE KNOWS THIS> you're the idiot. nothing you've said is remotely helpful. 3-10-2010 3:45pm
- I spend enough time on this site to know that there are lots of ignorant people and some who get a rise out of trolling. This woman doesn't bother me, but I hate what she represents. 3-10-2010 3:47pm
- whom are you referring to? the op or the insensitive poster? 3-10-2010 3:48pm
- I'm OP. I wrote that. I was referring to the insensitive OR. 3-10-2010 3:52pm
- whom are you referring to? the op or the insensitive poster? 3-10-2010 3:48pm
- I spend enough time on this site to know that there are lots of ignorant people and some who get a rise out of trolling. This woman doesn't bother me, but I hate what she represents. 3-10-2010 3:47pm
- What do you not understand about how mental instiutions often do more damage than good? they're more about keeping crazies away from society than helong people often. I woudl rather be...(more) 3-10-2010 3:44pm
- Thank you. Part of what makes this shit so hard is the social stigma. I often make the cancer comparison. I have tried EVERYTHING and nothing has worked. I often feel "terminal" thes...(more) 3-10-2010 3:44pm
- THen SHE NEEDS HELP, you idiot 3-10-2010 3:43pm
- OR simply told her very bluntly to get help, OP should not be around kids, end of story 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- uh, depression is not the same as cancer 3-10-2010 3:42pm
- yes, it can be in many ways. it is a disease. 3-10-2010 4:01pm
- you are cruel. 3-10-2010 4:11pm
- not at all well said. for fuck's sake....is this how you'd talk to someone with cancer? 3-10-2010 3:40pm
- You are a very sad person. 3-10-2010 3:38pm
- it would be worse for your dc if you killed yourself. please trust me on this. 3-10-2010 3:38pm
- I'm not so sure about that. It's hard to say either way, but I was raised by a depressive and she passed it onto me. She is still very prone to fits. I do not want to model that...(more) 3-10-2010 3:39pm
- but you were not the child of a suicide victim-I had a friend who was-you do not want to do that to your child. 3-10-2010 3:40pm
- You;re right. It's a hard choice to make. It's lose/lose. One big trauma and a missing parent? Or a lifetime of mild traumas and a crazy parent? Both are bad. 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- right. this is why you need to commit yourself to finding a solution-or asking for help to find that solution 3-10-2010 3:43pm
- trust me you are passing suicide onto further generations too... 3-10-2010 4:06pm
- You;re right. It's a hard choice to make. It's lose/lose. One big trauma and a missing parent? Or a lifetime of mild traumas and a crazy parent? Both are bad. 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- You will pretty much guarentee that your children have depression if you commit suicide. 3-10-2010 4:01pm
- but you were not the child of a suicide victim-I had a friend who was-you do not want to do that to your child. 3-10-2010 3:40pm
- I'm not so sure about that. It's hard to say either way, but I was raised by a depressive and she passed it onto me. She is still very prone to fits. I do not want to model that...(more) 3-10-2010 3:39pm
- you are me. i start therapy soon, going back on meds. my hypochondria is out of control. GL. get some help. i know how this is. 3-10-2010 3:38pm
- I have bad hypochondira too. It doesn't help that I have some real diseases. I am totally over vigilant. GL to you too.I keep hoping that I 'll fine the one therapist that can really do...(more) 3-10-2010 3:40pm some good but that never happens. I am too hypercritical of them and I cannot find a way around it.
- i have suffered from depression my whole life- been through a slew of therapists. i never like them. 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- Yeah I feel like they're all patronizing, condesending assholes who feel like they know everything. I also feel like psychology is a bit of a crock. It gets a total redesign ever 10...(more) 3-10-2010 3:46pm years based on what's in fashion curretnly. Did you hear the This American Life episode about how homosexuality was treated over the years? Interesting stuff and it really showed the messed up politics that go on within the APA.
- At this point, getting your medication right is the ONLY important piece of the puzzle. You may not even need therapy once you're being properly medicated. Are you in NYC? Or another...(more) 3-10-2010 3:51pm
- Yeah I feel like they're all patronizing, condesending assholes who feel like they know everything. I also feel like psychology is a bit of a crock. It gets a total redesign ever 10...(more) 3-10-2010 3:46pm
- i have suffered from depression my whole life- been through a slew of therapists. i never like them. 3-10-2010 3:41pm
- I have bad hypochondira too. It doesn't help that I have some real diseases. I am totally over vigilant. GL to you too.I keep hoping that I 'll fine the one therapist that can really do...(more) 3-10-2010 3:40pm
- it's hard to have the will to keep trying different drugs and approaches when you're so depressed, but that is what you need to do because dying is not an option but neither is living...(more) 3-10-2010 3:38pm
- Just like you would fight to survive cancer, you need to fight to survive depression. Does your therapist know that you're suicidal right now? Can you try some alternative treatment...(more) 3-10-2010 3:39pm (shock therapy perhaps). I'm so, so sorry. Please don't harm yourself, your dc needs you whether you think so or not. Your depression is speaking for you now. You would devastate your child if you left the world. Is your DH supportive? Your mom?
- No, I never tell them I'm suicidal because I am terrified of being locked up. I am coherent and always have been, but I think if I were locked up I would go totally nuts. DH is...(more) 3-10-2010 3:43pm supportive but overwhelmed. My mother is sort of, but she is depressive herself. We were joking about entering a suicide pact on the phone. Sick, I know.
- I wish a therpist was on this thread...but I DO know that your therapist would certainly NOT lock you up for admitting to feeling suicidal. If you aren't being honest about how bad it...(more) 3-10-2010 3:48pm is, you're going to spiral out of control. I know it feels impossible but you HAVE to reach out. You HAVE to try. Something will work. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. You do see a therapist currently, right?
- I am seeing one. I think that they have the leeway to lock you up if you admit to suicidal feelings. They may not, but they may. To me, that would be a fate worse than death. The thing...(more) 3-10-2010 3:51pm is that between the sobbing over everything and nothing, I feel a bit calmer now that I've decided to try and just stop. I am terrified of the moment, but I feel like I've tried everything for 14 years and nothing has worked. I go up and down and I will always be this way and it;s not fair to dh or dc (it would be bad for them if I were totally dissociated and locked in an institution, too). This is one big trauma, but then the memory fades. I am just so scared of doing it. It's such a primal thing. I want to do it with a gun but can't get a hold of one b/c of my history. I really don't want pain. I'm a huge pussy in that regard.
- Okay. Listen. The disease is making decisions for you right now. You have to fight against it. Are you on meds? If so, what and what dosage? 3-10-2010 3:54pm
- Ugh. Now I feel bad that I even posted. I do not like making others feel bad. I'm back on Prozac b/c that's the only thing that has ever worked for me iat least a little. I'm going to...(more) 3-10-2010 3:58pm call my shrink (which I hate doing because she always seems annoyed). Please forget about this, ok? I really hate making others feel bad. I'll be fine. I just get really really down some days. Thanks for being so compassionate, espeically when others just want to throw people like me into an institution and forget about us.
- Don 3-10-2010 3:59pm
- ^ sorry- don't feel bad for posting! please. I'm glad you are going to reach out to your therapist. I know it SUCKS (especially if you feel like she's being put out) but pls be...(more) 3-10-2010 4:01pm completely honest. I promise you're not going to be locked up. My heart aches for your struggle. It's such an ugly, ugly disease. But you know what? Treatment has come a long way and I truly think the social stigma is disappearing. You're sick and it's NOT your fault and I think many, many people understand this. I wish you peace and health. It will happen for you. Try to stay strong.
- ^ sorry- don't feel bad for posting! please. I'm glad you are going to reach out to your therapist. I know it SUCKS (especially if you feel like she's being put out) but pls be...(more) 3-10-2010 4:01pm
- Oh honey, don't apologize. Seriously, people love to come on here and feel like they are doing someone some good. It's a nice change from the oscars gossip, okay? And you deserve so...(more) 3-10-2010 4:02pm
- please post later and let us know how you are doing. There are people who care about you on here. May seem strange, but it is true! 3-10-2010 4:03pm
- OP: Hi all. Sorry about that. I still feel bad for upsetting people. I talked to my therapist and then took a shower and I feel better. I just get trapped in disorded thought patterns...(more) 3-10-2010 4:42pm that start seeming really logical and need to come down out of it. I took a long shower and cried more and feel a bit better, as far as that goes. It's very kind of you all to be supportive. I read the rest of the thread, too, but do not have the energy to reply to everything right now. Thank you all.
- GOod for you for recognizing what was going on. Take care of yourself. 3-10-2010 9:41pm
- OP: Hi all. Sorry about that. I still feel bad for upsetting people. I talked to my therapist and then took a shower and I feel better. I just get trapped in disorded thought patterns...(more) 3-10-2010 4:42pm
- Don 3-10-2010 3:59pm
- Ugh. Now I feel bad that I even posted. I do not like making others feel bad. I'm back on Prozac b/c that's the only thing that has ever worked for me iat least a little. I'm going to...(more) 3-10-2010 3:58pm
- Okay. Listen. The disease is making decisions for you right now. You have to fight against it. Are you on meds? If so, what and what dosage? 3-10-2010 3:54pm
- I am seeing one. I think that they have the leeway to lock you up if you admit to suicidal feelings. They may not, but they may. To me, that would be a fate worse than death. The thing...(more) 3-10-2010 3:51pm
- I wish a therpist was on this thread...but I DO know that your therapist would certainly NOT lock you up for admitting to feeling suicidal. If you aren't being honest about how bad it...(more) 3-10-2010 3:48pm
- No, I never tell them I'm suicidal because I am terrified of being locked up. I am coherent and always have been, but I think if I were locked up I would go totally nuts. DH is...(more) 3-10-2010 3:43pm
- can a therapist weigh in here please? what should OP's next step be? 3-10-2010 3:43pm
- THere is no doubt that a parent's suicide is an almost unbelievable traumatic experience for a child; not only is a parent ill, but that parent leaves and it is enormously difficult to...(more) 3-10-2010 3:56pm deal with. I think this is indisputable, and the OP needs to stay alive, sick is better than suicide, this is really so.
- what should she do? 3-10-2010 3:57pm
- I do think she needs to find a therapist she is more comfortable with. Telling a hterapist you are suicidal does not necesarily mean you are hospitalized: some people are chronically or...(more) 3-10-2010 3:58pm
- NP Coming from a dc of a parent who committed suicide, you have a responsibility to model hopeful behavior for your dc. If you end your life, your dc will struggle harder with what you...(more) 3-10-2010 3:59pm
- what should she do? 3-10-2010 3:57pm
- therapist here. why don't you just give your therpaist a call today and be open with her about where you stand right now. you have suicidal feelings, but np plan. She can't "lock you...(more) 3-10-2010 4:01pm
- THere is no doubt that a parent's suicide is an almost unbelievable traumatic experience for a child; not only is a parent ill, but that parent leaves and it is enormously difficult to...(more) 3-10-2010 3:56pm
- I know this sounds really extreme, but you should talk to a good therapist about electroshock therapy. It literally changed my dfs life. She was much like you before. REALLY, she's in...(more) 3-10-2010 3:57pm
- OP-have you tried this? 3-10-2010 3:58pm
- not personally, but one of my closest friends from high school had TERRIBLE depression, she was in and out of psychiatric hospitals, totally and completely not functional. She had...(more) 3-10-2010 4:00pm electroshock, truly as a last resort, and it really really changed her life. It was hard short term, I won't lie (some short term memory loss) but her last 5 years have been the best she's had since she was a very young child.
- np: i know someone who had the same results! it is very much something it look into... 3-10-2010 4:01pm
- so...what has kept you from trying it/asking to try it? 3-10-2010 4:03pm
- OR: I'm not depressed- not indicated for healthy people! 3-10-2010 4:06pm
- sorry..I meant to ask the OP if she'd tried it....instead it looked like I was the OP asking. Sorry. 3-10-2010 4:07pm
- OR: I'm not depressed- not indicated for healthy people! 3-10-2010 4:06pm
- op, please stop for a second and just look at all of teh ppl here who are anonymously reaching out to help you and wantto see you get the help you need. tuen to your therpist and try...(more) 3-10-2010 4:04pm
- ditto - i dated a man who was terrible depressed. dysthimic (sp) and hospitalized more than once. after electroshock, he really is in such a more stable place and is doing so much...(more) 3-10-2010 4:04pm
- not personally, but one of my closest friends from high school had TERRIBLE depression, she was in and out of psychiatric hospitals, totally and completely not functional. She had...(more) 3-10-2010 4:00pm
- ita. 3-10-2010 4:13pm
- OP-have you tried this? 3-10-2010 3:58pm
- ECT 3-10-2010 4:00pm
- Do you currently see a psychiatrist? I would discuss an in-patient stay or an intensive out patient/day treatment type of program until you get regulated on the right meds and start...(more) 3-10-2010 4:00pm
- Please please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Please know that you are loved and that you matter, and please get help so your children don't have to be without you. It is a...(more) 3-10-2010 4:00pm
- Have you tried lithium? 3-10-2010 4:01pm
- have you ever been in a psychc ward? 3-10-2010 4:17pm